Work & Play

How to Get Kids to Do Their Chores

A light-hearted look at children and their reluctance to do chores

Many of us cohabit with an alien species we call “children” or “kids.” We think that they are ‘normal’ children, and we think we know where they came from, but in reality they are the feral spawn of a parasitic race that lays its eggs in human females. When the egg is implanted into the human female, certain halucinogenic subtances are injected into the female’s blood stream which are then transmitted to the male. These halucinogens help dupe the unwitting pair into thinking this evil spawn is their own offspring. Indeed, the being that proceeds from this alien implantation takes on certain characteristics of its host and her mate, thereby reinforcing the illusion that the incubus is actually the child of the couple. Parenting instincts reinforce the illusion. The result is usually a safe place for the alien to grow to maturity and await pickup by the mother ship.

So strong is the illusion that, despite the increasingly bizarre behaviour of the alien, the humans never catch on. They continue to nurture the darling little alien until it grows to be an uncontrollable menace that entirely usurps the lives of its human “parents.” Twelve or thirteen years after the creature emerges from its host, it turns on its human caretakers like a wolverine. Yet through all the insane confrontations over ridiculous issues, the humans usually remain true to their “child.” It is a heartbreaking and debilitating process to the humans, who afterwards decline into old age and dotage with the feeling they have accomplished nothing while the alien goes out into the world on a mission to refute every last thing the humans ever tried to teach it.

You might have certain questions. Here are some answers:

Q: How do I know if my kids are aliens?
A: If your kids seem totally allergic to basic hygiene, lie to get out of doing their homework every single time, and are nasty, mean, and generally disrespectful to any authority, yup, thems aliens. Do you know your neighbor’s kids, the ones who work hard in school, keep their rooms reasonably clean, and are respectful and helpful? Those are human kids.
Q: Can I exterminate this alien spawn?
A: No: Because the aliens are genetically indistinguishable from true offspring, the authorities will consider it as such and all criminal liabilities would apply. So as much as you might want to strangle it, you’d best try to cope. The same is true of leaving it by the side of the road or selling it into slavery. You can’t do it because it’s against the law. Too bad.

During the long ordeal, it is sometimes possible to lessen the pain and agony by using strategies to coerce the young aliens to help out around the house. Don’t get your hopes up, but sometimes it works.

Chores

Many of my generation grew up in a time when we were expected to do certain tasks around the house, for example, take out the trash, weed the garden, mow the lawn, keep our rooms clean, stuff like that. You might well ask, how did we live? How did we survive? But we did.

The term, “chore”, refers to a task that repeats basically forever. If you get your incubi to do any of these tasks, it will only be once or twice each time. The alien will never adopt the task as their chore. To call what the alien does “chores” is a bad joke, since the alien will “forget” to do them or otherwise avoid doing them almost every single blessed time.

Bribery

Bribery can lure your young alien into temporary good behaviour, but be cautious. Bribery can be a slippery slope leading to ludicrous concessions and connivery, rife with pitfalls. Do not to offer too much, bearing in mind that to achieve the same results next time, you’ll have to offer more. Avoid offering things that are part of any of the alien’s usual bad behaviour;¬†Sugar, for example. Sugar to these aliens is like moonlight to a werewolf. It turns them into absolute monsters; running across the walls and ceilings like people in The Matrix. Yet it must be something they like, or they will simply turn up their nose at it and their room will end up no cleaner than before.

These aliens communicate with others of their ilk through the Internet, through what looks to the innocent adult like incredibly stupid games, such as the Kinko’s or Diner Dash games. If you limit their Internet access, offering increased access can be an effective bribe. However, remember the slippery slope!

Things that cannot be easily duplicated make good bribes, for example, offering to take the young alien to an event that will never recur. Then it cannot come back to haunt you.

Threats

Your threat is only as good as your follow-through. Never make a threat that you are not prepared to carry out. When using threats, always bear the future in mind. If you threaten violence, you will have to use violence or lose credibility. If you use violence, you will teach the alien to use violence on you. Unless you are a ninth degree black belt, I would suggest avoiding using violence as a threat for this reason, and also because the alien is liable to grow up to be bigger and stronger than you.

Once again, your most potent threat is Internet access. Threaten to prevent them from accessing the Internet for any length of time and you will probably get some action out of them.

Reasoning

Appealing to the logic of the alien is a complete waste of time because you will find no logic there. The alien is pre-wired to vex you any way they can. Attempted reasoning merely provides the alien with a convenient venue in which to do so.

Most Effective

Far and away the most effective means of getting the young incubi to do their so-called chores is to do them yourself and pretend they did them. This is possible through self hypnosis. Just stare at the gigantic pile of crap that is their room and chant, “It’s clean. This room is clean. It’s clean. This room is clean.” over and over. Soon you will be in a trance. When you awake, the room will be clean and you will think the alien did it. When you see the alien, you will smile and be nice. The alien, in turn, will smile and be nice. They may even wait an hour or two before they start casting their belongings onto the floor again.

 

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Jackie Reed

Jackie Reed